jobber

applicants

Your tenure as my crimefighting partner / husband includes (but is not necessarily limited to) the following duties:

• supplying our SPF 50 for eavesdropping on bad guys on the beaches of San Tropez and any resulting speedboat chases herein

• busting out sweet-ass dance moves in the discos of Paris while staking out international drug cartels

• coming up with a new girl-power quip every time I shoot a henchman (e.g., Never send a henchman to do a woman’s job, A woman needs a henchman like a henchman needs a blood transfusion, etc.)

• rescuing me from weekly kidnappings

• tearing up at my bedside for the total duration of seasonal cliffhanger comas

• general awesomeness

You must meet the following qualifications:

Attention to detail and the ability to read and follow directions is very important.

Good oral and written communications skills are highly desirable.

Must have strong skills using Excel, Power Point, and 9mm handguns. Experience with Access and kickboxing is a plus.

Must fund the liposuction and face transplant necessary for me to become an international superspy / wife of a millionaire.

I am proud to be a discriminating employer pro-redhead, anti-chin. I maintain a drug-free, cocktail-heavy workplace.